Trump Arrives At Disney Hall Of Presidents – What Followed Is PRICELESS!

The New Yorker reported on a rather strange series of events that took place after the installation of Donald Trump in the Disney Hall of Presidents.

Disney World’s Hall of Presidents is one of the park’s longest-running attractions, thanks in no small part to the tireless work of a maintenance crew that cares for the animatronic Presidents. What follows are excerpts from the maintenance logs for the Hall, from the days following the arrival of its newest robotic President: Donald Trump.

DATE: August 3rd, 9:27 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Repaired minor exterior damage to President Trump animatron caused by unruly guests throwing garbage/rocks. Dusted Lincoln.

DATE: August 5th, 11:15 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Trump animatron malfunctioned near end of shift, flailing arms and repeating word “Trump.” Engaged manual override and rebooted control program, and robot resumed normal thumbs-up gesture/pelvic thrusting.

DATE: August 7th, 9:50 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Removed several mashed-up MickeyBurgers™ that had somehow become lodged in mouth of Trump animatron.

DATE: August 8th, 10:03 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Dusted Lincoln.

DATE: August 13th, 10:46 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Trump animatron gone. Spent several hours searching. Still missing.

DATE: August 14th, 3:32 a.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Found animatronic Trump face down in women’s bathroom stall C-13. Restored to stage.

DATE: August 17th, 2 a.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Heard loud voice coming from down the hall, including phrase “three hundred and six electoral votes.” Followed voice and encountered Trump animatron in front of large gathering of rats. When I entered, the Trump robot stopped speaking and rats scattered. Cleaned up rat feces and crudely fashioned red hats they left behind. Troubling.

DATE: August 18th, 10:30 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Dusted Lincoln. Submitted yet another request form, re: inquiry into dustiness of Lincoln.

DATE: August 19th, 11:18 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Found Trump animatron performing laughter sequence while dozens of rats attempted to remove component parts from the other Presidents. After placing the writhing Trump robot in a makeshift jail (broom closet), successfully funnelled many of the rats into one of our Main Street, U.S.A., rat-killing facilities. Performed hard reset on Trump C.P.U. as it begged me to stop. Returned face to Rutherford B. Hayes and limbs/hair/ears to Taft. Submitted overtime slips through proper channels. Cannot get rid of sound of robot’s laughter in my head.

DATE: August 20th, 10:15 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Removed several mashed-up GoofyPizzas™ from greasy mouth of Trump animatron.

DATE: August 25th, 12:03 a.m.
CREW MEMBER: Kowalski
WORK COMPLETED: Happened upon President Trump animatron standing naked in front of a second, poorly assembled President Trump animatron. “Friend,” they kept repeating to each other. “Friend. Yes.” I promptly used my lug wrench to strike the second Trump animatron repeatedly in the back of the head, which caused the first to begin howling and spinning in tight circles. I dragged the second animatron to the Disney Imagincinerator™ in the basement. As I forced the animatron in, some malfunction caused the machine to repeatedly whisper, “It’s my birthday. It’s my birthday.” I then returned to the first animatron, which had attempted to disguise itself in the latex skin of Franklin Pierce and was crying (obviously unable to produce liquid tears, robot had drawn them on face). I performed a hard reboot on the Trump animatron, re-dressed both Trump and Pierce in their proper clothes and skins, and cleaned up the spilled hydraulic fluid from the ruptured head of Trump animatron No. 2. Tendered my resignation. Cannot deal with this shit any more.

DATE: August 28th, 7:54 p.m.
CREW MEMBER: Hendrickson
WORK COMPLETED: Cleaned up that dusty old Lincoln! A magical first day at a magical new job!

In case you could not tell, this is a satirical piece!

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